He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
