last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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