don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
