At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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