Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
