last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
