There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
