I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
