she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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