in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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