Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
