I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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