I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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