She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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