I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize