So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
