You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
