I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
