i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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