I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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