Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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