I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
