I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
