I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
