two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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