i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
