wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
