we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
