help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
