I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
