Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
