when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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