my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Randomize
