Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
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Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
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did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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