When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
