The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
