his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
