I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize