Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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