I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
