The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
