Farmville is her only friend.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
