I'm lost and stupid without you.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
