Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
