I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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