Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
