my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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