i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
