Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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