im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
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