I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
