i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
