I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
