I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
