does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
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Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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