so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
