I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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