Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
