My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
