Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
