I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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