Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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