yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
